Traveling For The Panicked Mind

I don’t normally opt to be outside of my house, much less travel miles away from it. Even though that is the life I am confided to, I always feel guilty for trapping those that I love in it. Traveling was always brought up and I always met it with a “yeah, we should” and a casual smile.

Its not that I was knowingly lying. It was just that A.) I know it wouldn’t be anytime soon and B.) in that moment, I was safe and felt comfortable to consider the idea. The spiral always happens the week of or unfortunately, the day before. Which is the main reason I never plan anything with anyone as I fear I’ll be the flake. The easy fix for that is just to never plan anything but I can’t do that to my other half.

He’s always been a free spirit and New York was something he’d bring up often. But with my disorders, New York was a definite reach. The crowds and the noise could bring out a version of me that I don’t wish upon him - especially on a getaway. However, my impulsive tendencies came out one day. I was looking to spend and I really should have tried to take a closer look at whether I was feeling well that day. Instead, I let the temptation to satisfy to overcome me and bought a ticket to New York for the two of us.

The good news was that my logic wasn’t all null when purchasing. I decided to do a two day trip because I knew of my limitations. Before I set out to explain the steps I took to ensure I felt safe, I have to say the trip went well. I was happy reporting it back to my therapist and celebrating the progression I’ve been making. I was able to tell her that there was a second of happiness where I purely enjoyed the trip. In another day, we can go further into it.

My Pre-flight Preparations:

1.)    Wear a TSA-hassle free outfit

Pack two outfits today, one for the day you’re traveling and another for the day you’re leaving your destination. I first check the weather and the length of my trip. If my destination is cold and it is a long flight, I’ll opt to wear a long sleeve with a jacket. Destination is warm but a long flight. Then short sleeve with a jacket.

There will always be a jacket. It lets me clench onto the sleeves when I am walking and cover my tattoos and body. The idea in my mind is to be as discrete and unnoticeable as possible. Knowing the temperature and length of the flight will help determine the thickness of the clothes.

Now, pants. If I had a choice, I’d prefer to travel with high waisted yoga pants that has pockets. High waisted so that I don’t have to worry about my pants falling when sitting down. The pocket would allow me to carry my mini wallet that contains my ID. (No digging into your backpack & not finding it). If the weather is too cold to wear that, then I’ll have to find a pair of pants (most likely jeans) where you won’t need a belt. Or at least keep the belt in your backpack until you get through TSA.

Next up, shoes! This can depend on your destination. For example, when I was traveling to NY it was 35 degree weather. I opted for waterproof ankle boots that has a side zipper. It is crucial that there be a side zipper because we want to avoid the following scenario. Having to kneel down onto the floor and struggling to get your shoes off while waiting in this incredibly long line. Feeling like your pants are lowered and possibly exposing yourself. Your cheeks are burning red and you feel like everyone is looking - judging.

So yes, zippered shoes for easy on & off.

I also chose waterproof and slip resistant because the tiles at the airport can be slippery. The floors of NY can also be slippery. I needed something that can grip on when I speed walk away from crowds. Got to have something sturdy so I’ll never be an inconvenience to others (i.e. walking too slow and blocking someone’s way).

The combination of all these helped me get through TSA quickly but there was still that inevitable moment where my heart raced at 120bpm, my head burning with heat, and my tunnel vision creating a headache. It was brief and thankfully didn’t cause a spiral. Goes to show, no matter how prepared, you may still run into some obstacles. Always remember to check in with yourself and find ways to de-escalate the anxiety before it peaks.

2.)    Determine when to take your medication.

Those of us with a morning dosage, I’d recommend waiting till it's closer to your daily routine’s timeframe. For example, we woke up by 4AM for an 8AM flight. I normally take my medication at 8AM. Instead of taking it before we left, I waited to take it at the airport. I wanted to avoid crashing too early from my medication.

I also have a vague estimation of when the effectiveness of my medication tapers off. If you do as well, utilize that in calculating the timing you should take your medication. I have a morning and afternoon dosage. It takes about 6 hours for my energy to fade after the first dosage. Since I am arriving at 5:38PM then I would opt to take my second dosage at around 4PM because I expect to sleep by around 10PM.

Lastly, I count the quantity I need for the duration of the trip and remove the rest from the bottle. Always have the bottle with you as it shows it is prescription. Having just the quantity you need helps you track whether or not you’ve taken your medication. With all the commotion, it is easy to forget.

3.)   Eat before you leave.

Since you can’t have any opened drinks or food when checking in through TSA, you should opt to eat before you arrive. I always admire those that eat while they walk or can casually say they would just buy something to eat at the airport. If possible, in order to reduce the number of times you would be triggered, it is best to have your tummy full while you are still in the comfort of your own home. If timing is hard to manage, grab something that could help at least suppress the tummy grumbles.

I normally run into the problem of having my throat feeling tight and even water is difficult to swallow. If you’re the same, it’s okay. Breathe. I leverage the following mantra: “I am eating not because I want to but because I need to. I need to nourish my body.” I keep repeating it with every bite and every swallow. My go to would be a fruit, granola bar, or even a pack of nuts. It also helps to remind myself of that feeling of wooziness when I neglect to nourish myself and that is a definite situation I would avoid if I am in public.

This point is huge for me because unless I am traveling with a companion, I would never be able to sit at a restaurant to eat by myself. I could barely go into a convenience store without the double vision, light headedness, and dry mouth. Even if I managed to buy something from the convenience store, the ability to eat it is never there. The last time I traveled for work, I bought a bag of nuts. I was so hungry and wished to eat it so much, but I was fated with a crowded waiting area. I couldn’t get out of my head that everyone was staring and ended up tossing the whole bag of uneaten nuts in the bathroom trash bin because it wouldn’t fit into my backpack.

Sounds familiar? Then please plan ahead and always make sure to eat something.

4.)   Choosing your seats

When you’re traveling with a companion, this part is easier. If you’re traveling alone, then my preference would be the aisle seat and towards the seat that has to do the emergency things. This way I don’t see a sea of people when I need to look around. But this only applies to short flights.

If traveling alone and for a long flight then I would opt for a seat by the restroom. Sometimes they have the ones where it is a one seater! Yes, the smell can be kicker but its far better than dealing with light headedness while trying to stumble your way to a bathroom.

5.) Carry On

I would never have a carry on that doesn’t fit under my seat. The awkwardness of trying to fit my bag up over head and then the awkwardness of trying to get to my bag when landed - 100% would avoid.

6.)   No Urgency To Rush To Board

Since I don’t have to fight for carry on space, there isn’t any incentives for me to wait with the rest of the crowds. Instead, I should make sure I’m using the restroom again and avoid having to go on the plane. Minimize the triggers!

7.)   Keeping the lips moisturized

Preferably, I would want to have a bottle of water but sometimes my bag can’t hold. If that is the case, then I’d like to make sure I have something to moisturize my lips with. Usually a little lip Vaseline would do the trick. Even if the triggers were minimized, I know that my anxiety level is still high and that normally creates a dry mouth. A dry mouth then creates cracked lips which then results in hyperawareness towards it and feeling like everyone can see and is judging it.