My Draw To Alcohol
Cause and effect. If you’re good, then you’re this. If you’re bad, then you’re that. This behavior is because of _______, and that behavior is because of _________.
I wish deeply to fill in those blanks but I have yet to have the ability to confidently state them. Do music sound like drugs when I’m drinking because of my mood disorder? Or is it an after effect of having abused ecstasy?
Was my abuse with drugs due to my mental health? Or was I just behaving like any teen would have?
Does my hypersexuality come out because I was hypomanic or am I just a terrible person? Could it be a byproduct of my childhood?
For me, this is the toughest part about dealing with something that is a spectrum. There isn’t any solid definition. And that somehow means that I am not defined.
Like a product that goes through quality control, I wish life came with a checklist. What is to define we are doing well, that we are progressing, that we are good?
The inspirational video on Youtube says it is based on how hard you hustle through the pain, the song says it is how triumphant you navigated through heartbreaks, and the movies say it is the amount of kindness that you show to others.
I remember trying to answer where I had learned to view the world as good or bad in therapy. The only thing I could remember is being asked before whether I knew anyone that was good - that was truly good. I remembered thinking that she thought I wasn’t good. Was that moment truly so monumental that it now defines the way I lived? Or has my precious and malleable mind just molded to something - anything to make an attempt at defining who or what I was?
These are all thoughts that I could channel and FEEL when I am drinking. Is it this way because of my conditions? I’m unsure. I’ve learned that it is better to not try and define that. That there are things that just aren’t worth defining.
However, I can’t deny the difference I feel when I’m in this mode. It doesn’t always happen but it seems the right playlist and a good amount of alcohol can create a Version 2 of me. I’m bold. I’m in touch with my feelings. I’m extra hypersensitive. I’m creative. I’m decisive. I’m someone that I wish I could be without all the façade.
To indulge in these feelings, it doesn’t come without a risk. From experience, there are 4 versions/mode of me that could come out.
The first mode is pure nothing and I end up sleeping well. The second mode is me now. The third mode is a depression that doesn’t end at the bottom of the wine bottle. The fourth mode is an impulsive anger that nothing could suppress but always with regret the following morning. Even with these risks, I roll the dice everyday.
For me, if I could distort the reality I am living - even if temporary- then it is worth it. By no means am I justifying the behavior and it isn’t the same for all. But I can’t deny there is a part of me that I wish you could understand.
