Letting Go Of The Past

When I start doubting everything around me, I might start reaching for some sort of confirmation or guidance. That usually means I’d refer to a tarot. I take tarot as words of encouragement versus a prediction of what my future is to hold. Sometimes I do indulge in allowing it to go a bit further but never too far. I try to hold realistic expectations so that I could avoid disappointments.

Recently, I needed this sort of confirmation. The tarot that I resonated with had spoken about it being the time to heal from the past. That I’ve done my work to heal and it is time to move on.

As much as the words sound wonderful to me, I keep wondering if that was possible. I’ve only accepted that what I had gone through was molestation, is it really already time to move on? I can barely say those words but then again, if not now then when?

I struggle with giving it the acknowledgement that it deserves. I downplay it in my mind with: It could have been a lot worst or someone out there struggled with something worst than this. But deep down, I know I should give it the place it deserves. Even with knowing, it is still a struggle. Somehow, the story will distort to: You only give it power if you allow it to affect you or even as far as you were the cause of it and you don’t deserve to feel bad about it.

I’ve put in years of work in therapy, learning from the behavior that it had created, and accepting that it had happened to me and not because of me. But in the end, it is still easier to believe that everything that has happened to me was a karmic retribution to my failures and bad behaviors.

So how do we determine the lesson is learned and that it is time to move on? Is it like in the movies where some sort of climax determines when the plot changes or is this something internal that I get to decide?

The answer still escapes me as of today. I have a vague answer but no confidence in typing in it. But I’ll hold onto hope. Hope that one day I can answer this.