The Need To Be Liked

It gets so intense sometimes. It masks itself as some type of emotion and pull you in for a ride. Why do I have such a strong need? Because to me, being liked is being safe. When you’re liked, you don’t get judged and you aren’t a disappointment to anyone. Obviously, that’s not sound logic but it somehow is the rule in my mind. So naturally, I always preferred need to be liked.

I recently went to a family gathering and there’s someone in our family that isn’t too fond of most of us. But she joins because of her husband. To be honest, I admire her for that. To put aside her own opinion and join in on family gatherings for the sake of her partner. But that admiration is only there when my mind isn’t wonky.

To be fair to myself, my mind wasn’t being a pain in the ass up until the last hour of being there. Everything was fine until I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. The room was blurring and I had to blink hard to concentrate. I was about to charge up to this woman and say “ so are we family or not?” because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

Okay, let’s rewind.

For context, I tried to be friends with her. Not really feeling like getting into the story of it today but it didn’t end up very well. It seems to never end up well when it comes to our family and her. So I used that to comfort myself. In the beginning, I was obsessing over how I could fix it. And if it was a few years back, I would have thought of every way possible to get her to be my friend again. With the way that I’m talking, you’d imagine I knew her forever or that she was this remarkable person. Neither of that is true, albeit the second statement is more subjective.

Treating it with logic is how I determine if my mind is wonky. Being able to tell helped me put my phone down every time I wanted to impulsively text an apology, explanation, or whatever it was that I thought would help the situation. I finally came to peace with it after about two weeks (I think?) The first week had me repeatedly telling myself out loud “stop it” every time I thought about it.

I remember even thinking that I finally realized I didn’t need to be liked all the time and that it was okay for me to not like someone as well. Feeling like I had a breakthrough, I went to this family gathering with confidence.

But then I just had to try and speak to her. Thinking back now, I think that was my trigger. She had a look of disinterest and was unengaged. Everything about her facial reaction, her tone, and her body movements had told me she did not like me and seeing that sounded the alarm in my mind. Then my mind filled with her not liking me. I kept brushing it off and was quite successful until she decided to sit herself right outside the window. Right in my direct line of view and speaking to another family member.

The distorted voices came out. She’s making fun of you. And then there comes the flashback to everything she said since I entered the house. Pulling the things that could be distorted into her making a jab at me. For example, I brought the food for everyone to eat. She opened the egg rolls and asked R whether it was the one he bought because she wants to eat that one only. As if my food wasn’t good enough. Honestly, she could really have been saying that but it could also be because she just liked a specific eggroll. But when that replay happened in my mind, my body felt as if she had just told me your food is disgusting and so are you.

I started zoning out and thinking about it and soon enough my emotions had a hold on me. Cue the tethered breathing and blurring visions. The more the distorted thoughts kept repeating, the angrier I got. This is what I mean by it masking as an emotion. Sometimes, it pulls me into a depression. Sometimes, it turns me into Anger from Inside Out.

I should be proud of myself for what I did next but my inner critic won’t shut up about it being dramatic. I had decided to go into the garage and called my best friend. I told her what happened and asked for her help to deescalate my emotions. It wasn’t until she said “you’re talking really fast, lets do some breathing” where I felt a little clarity. I knew I wasn’t feeling well and instead of obsessing over whether or not I should confront her, I listened to J’s voice and breathed with her.

I walked back in a bit level headed but knew I had to escape. I told my pack that we should head out and went to pour myself some liquid sedative for the car ride home. My oblivious partner had to point it out and I explained that I wasn’t feeling too well. Then an aunt heard and it turned into this whole thing but I ended up doing something I regret. I turned to that woman’s husband and said “she’s hard to get along with”.

I regret it because it was uncalled for. It was dramatic and unnecessary. It was the little kid in me that just wanted the last word. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I have the right to feel and cut myself some slack but it hasn’t budged. Sitting guilty still even though its been two days and I think no one even remembers or think about it.

I texted the husband the day after and apologized. Even after he said it’s cool, I still don’t believe it. Nothing can really convince me at this point. I recognize that I can’t control the emotions but I can control what I do with it. Instead of reaching out to each and every person and apologizing profusely for my dramatics, I just have to sit with it.

Typing this makes me realize how crazy it all sounds because of something so trivial. But that’s me. My mood is unpredictable and goes too much into the extremes. On another day, I probably would have handled it differently and felt completely different about her.