The Fantasy Family

We’ve all been guilty of “lets see each other soon”. Those words are always casually said as there are no liabilities with it. Without a date or time, there is no confirmation of it ever happening but it sounds good to say. As I’m typing this, I’m trying to remember if I ever craved for those words to be true when it came to my own family. I don’t think I’ve ever developed an emotional bond with them that procures this feeling. However, it seems like I may be craving it with my partner’s family.

The piece that puzzles me is whether I’m craving it or just fantasizing about it. That feeling where wanting it is more fulfilling than getting it. I’m unsure whether my intention of always trying to bring the family together is because I like the chase of it which helps make it look like I care or if its because I really want everyone together. At times, I suspect that I’m this master manipulator. I do certain things to deceit or look or a certain way because somehow I can’t perceive myself as someone with pure intentions. That could only be true because of the times I was told I was a liar. I’m “self fulfilling this prophecy”. And while I type this out, I know my mind is a little wonky at the moment.

So instead of chasing that rabbit hole, we go back to what my fantasy family is. This subject came up because I was thinking about a conversation I had with my therapist. I was explaining to her how certain actions had made me feel unsafe with the family and that family wasn’t supposed to do that. She then asked me if I had definitions on what family was and wasn’t supposed to be, which circles back to me seeing things in black and white. We spoke about where I got these ideals from. The only thing that popped into my mind was all the TV shows I used to watch. I’m still drawn to those TV shows. To calm myself during work, I’d always play a family show while working. Shamelessly, a lot of them are Disney channel ones that usually shows a quirky but happy family. It got me to think about how I need to become a younger version of myself in order to find comfort.

Family don’t hurt each other. They never lie to each other. They never judge each other. They’re always honest and open and have each other’s back. It’s not that this couldn’t be real but realistically, this can’t be 100% of the time. What I fail at recognizing is understanding that the times when this ideal cannot be met, it doesn’t mean that it is automatically bad. Or that my ideal is no longer true.

For example, I could be feeling safe and loved by someone. But then one day they made a comment that made me feel unsafe. Then it automatically becomes that the person is unsafe. Logically, I understand there doesn’t need to be two extremes. However, the mind and body works in different ways. My mind can’t lock onto the idea and my body would make my heart drop and my throat close. All that will replay in my mind is the day they made me feel unsafe.

With this mindset, it became hard to want to trust anyone in this family. Which is probably the reason why I wonder whether my intentions are pure. Because how could I want a relationship with people that I cannot trust fully. Again, black and white.

So without thinking, I’ll just type what I crave. I crave being able to text someone my happy or sad news without overthinking and assuming what their feelings or thoughts would be. I crave being able to have consistent meet up with someone where I don’t have to worry about being judged and think about what I could and could not say. I crave for this to be with family because from what I’ve learned, that’s what family should be. And family never leave family behind.

Add on:

The more I thought about it, the more I think I had to define family. I’m not saying that family is just family because of blood. If you don’t know jack sh*t about the other person, I really don’t count that as family. There has to be time spent to get to know the other person. The true self and not some bull shit cover up. Having a genuine connection like that - that’s family.