My Condition or Me?

The biggest struggle I have felt through this condition was defining what was the condition or what was me. With such a low self esteem, I pivot to always blaming it on me. There are days when I start to ponder - is it the condition? Then the critical voice comes out: Stop trying to blame it on something. You’re just a terrible person.

Or maybe it isn’t the critical voice and it is just the truth. It only makes sense that we try to put the blame for certain behavior to anyone but ourselves. Who would want to admit that they’re twisted?

I don’t have the courage to type it out yet but thinking back, this was what I was told my father had failed at as well. Through genome sequencing, I was able to better understand that my conditions may have been genetically predisposed. It made me feel better for a day or two but there is still something missing. I wish so badly for my father to appear and tell me how he feels and what he thinks. So that maybe, I wouldn’t be so alone. Some of you may think - well what about the mother? She’s setting boundaries and doing what is best for her mental health. Who could blame her for doing that?

I’ve chased for some sort of proof that I’m not to blame for my behavior but maybe what I have been avoiding is to accept that there is no reasoning. That what I am trying to define is me and there isn’t anything to change that.

A part of me is fighting this and trying to recognize that I’m not in the correct mental state. Another part of me is admitting defeat at 11:28PM with a bottle of wine in my veins.

Is this my condition or is this just me?