Normalize Talking To Your Parents

Have you ever seen those TV shows where it shows two versions of a story, where each is based on a decision made by the main character? I wonder how many variations the following incident will have based on each person’s alternate decision to how they responded.

“A” recently had a lot of issues with her existing group of friends. The results of rumors being spread. At our home, I did our best to de-escalate the situation and ask her to refrain from associating herself. Unfortunately, it came to a peak when “A” showed me that a group of her friends all sent messages to her. Telling her that they no longer want to be friends with her.

I understand that friendships come and go. Under normal circumstances, my go to would be to help her focus on the moments of happiness the friendship brought and allow her to process it as a positive experience and move forward. However, she was able to show me proof that this was the doing of two girls that were spreading rumors about how she was a terrible person/friend. It was a middle school version of a smear campaign. Targeting those that were close to “A” and sending them their version of “proof”. I put proof in quotes because their idea of it was old screenshots of conversations that was biasedly cropped as well as a rumor that “A” had spoken ill about a person at school.

How could I be certain that “A” didn’t? I know the entire history of her and this person. I’ve also heard stories of the person “A” suspect had spread the rumors. I use my best judgement to support her this time because no one should have to deal with this alone. I’ll always hold a percentage of doubt on the level of contribution “A” had to create this incidence. No child’s perfect but it is up to us to guide them down the right path.

I’ve allowed her to attempt to de-escalate the situation with her friends and it was now time to step in. As a result, I have a little girl threatening to sue us for a false bullying report which was ironic as everything snowballed from a rumor. That’s okay though. I believe she is acting out of fear. I won’t lie and say it didn’t trigger me but I’m trying to remind myself that maybe she doesn’t have the support or learned better coping mechanisms.

Then I wonder how many of these kids confide in their parents. Whether its for advice or to vent because they see their parents as a safe space.  

Get to know them because they’re growing into their own person.

I get it. We wake early to take them to school. We go through our grind at work. Some days are better than others. We’re exhausted but still have to pick them up, prepare dinner (undeniably its mostly takeout), walk the dogs, clean up, and so on. By the time you could finally sit down, hearing about some drama that happened at school may not be the favorable option. Especially when you have your own mental health to consider.

So instead of forcing the “perfect step mommy” façade, I’ve been communicative about my boundaries and limitations. On days that I really cannot handle, I’d ask if we could find time later in the week. On days that I could but with limitations, I may start off with “Lets chat for 30 minutes and then I’ll go shower”. And on days that I feel up for it, I may even initiate the conversation.

The most important thing is that you’re emotionally available so that you soak up all the information. It’s not about forcing the time so they could have a shell of you. Utilizing this, I’ve managed to remember every detail and names of who is around them. I also create an environment where I can ensure I’m least triggered and be able to consistently advise them on a balanced mentality.

Being able to do this allows you to get to know them as a person. Their personality, who they are, and how they treat others. This gives you time to advise them and provide corrective measures on any indications of behavior that may be harmful. Sometimes we can’t hold their hands forever, but it may be nice for them to be able to grab on when they need it.

Knowing their day to day, we could also help provide them with healthy coping mechanisms as well as the tools needed to de-escalate. I have guilt, wondering if I am not doing good enough on that end. But I’m also taking this incident as a learning lesson. I hope to continue to improve by researching and learning on children/teen behavior.

If we can all work together to help our next generation, a world full of peace and kindness may not be as out of reach.