I Rolled The Dice

And This Is It. This feeling.

The break between between logical and impulsive. I’m doing both. I have the energy to do both.

I was free.

I jumped on the bed being goofy. I was responsive to all the right parts of the drama we were watching. I wasn’t crying or being emotional. I was able to enjoy the moment and was fun for those that was around me. Seeing him laugh. Seeing him call me “funny” and “cute”. Hours of fun and being interactive.

I was playful.

I pretended to be certain characters on the show. I was able to analyze it the way he was. “If they didn’t have any pockets to hold money, how did they sneak out to buy food?”. I was making the moment enjoyable. I wanted to play Gran Turismo. I wanted to create through photography. I wanted the night and this feeling to never end.

I’m replaying the same song over and over.

Because this song holds the feeling, the moment, this happens. So I try to retrigger it over and over again. As I’m writing this, I’m holding onto the personality that I wish was my forever.

I’m realizing this is my disorder.

And as I’m typing this, as I’m logically analyzing this, the adrenaline fades. The tears brim at my eyes. This isn’t permanent. I silently cry in the corner because after all, I brought so much joy just a moment ago. I wipe off all the remnants and I wrap up this blog.

In my epiphany of this being it, this is what I need to write about. I realize how much of an impact it makes when I logically pick it apart.